


A Group Chat For Beacon Hills Strangest Residents

by dreamalittledreamofmeee



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Canon Characters - Freeform, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone is Single - Freeform, Everyone lives, Fuck You Jeff Davis, Group chat, Here to help fix your pain, I started this at 10:32 pm are you happy, I want my babies happy, Im too tired to write actual tags, Kira was done dirty, Magic Stiles Stilinski, Multi, Nobody Dies, Prank War, Spark Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Was Done Dirty, The Fic We All Deserved, The Hale Pack Is Functional, They deserved better, They’re kids, We were done dirty guys, for now, im hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26152042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamalittledreamofmeee/pseuds/dreamalittledreamofmeee
Summary: A Teen Wolf chatficLots of swearing
Relationships: Allison Argent & Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski & Scott McCall & Kira Yukimura
Kudos: 25





	1. The Mysterious Disappearance Of Allison’s Fridge

BiBoyB-tch: your existence on this earth will be ended shortly Allison Victoria Argent

PuppyEyes: what

Huntress: I took the batteries out of his controllers and the rest of the batteries in the entire house

BiBoyB-tch: you’ve started a war

ActualAlpha: I am impressed

Huntress: thank you it took half an hour

BiBoyB-tch: watch your back Alli

Huntress: I tremble in my boots

-

Huntress: fuck you

PuppyEyes: fuck who

Huntress: the person I’m talking to knows who they are

BiBoyB-tch: How does it feel 

Huntress: How did you do this

BiBoyB-tch: Good luck getting any snacks

Huntress: Motherfucker really took my whole FRIDGE

Huntress: WHERE DID YOU PUT MY FRIDGE

BiBoyB-tch: WHERE DID YOU PUT MY BATTERIES

Huntress: GO BUY MORE

BiBoyB-tch: GO BUY ANOTHER FRIDGE

Huntress: ONE OF THESE THINGS IS VERY DIFFERENT AND MORE EXPENSIVE THAN THE OTHER STILES

BiBoyB-tch: Reveal the location of the batteries and I will return your fridge unharmed

Huntress: oh my god

Huntress: They’re at my house in a box under my bed

Huntress: now give me my fridge back you asshole

BiBoyB-tch: okay 😁

ActualAlpha: Um

FoxSays: Stiles stole a fridge

LegallyBlonde: How

MyDadsALawyer: I hate to say it but damn Stilinski, skills

BiBoyB-tch: That took a whole afternoon and I don’t regret it

aLpHa: why didn’t you just use magic

BiBoyB-tch: that defeats 

BiBoyB-tch: the purpose

BiBoyB-tch: of being petty


	2. Stiles And His New...Friend

BiBoyB-tch: uuuuuuummmmmmmmmm

BiBoyB-tch: so great news

BiBoyB-tch: I think I just gained the loyalty of a divine creature

ActualAlpha: Pardon

BiBoyB-tch: yeah so

PuppyEyes: Wait what

Huntress: not surprised actually

BiBoyB-tch: I was going for a walk in the woods and I saw this duck caught in some fishing hooks and while ducks are assholes, it's a girl but dudes are jerks, they're also my spirit animal because ya know they represent emotional strength, energy, protection, intuition, adaptation- ya know all that

ActualAlpha: uh huh

BiBoyB-tch: so I helped it right

LegallyBlonde: Of course

BiBoyB-tch: dude turns into a big ass dragon but like, looks like a duck, and just says in a really deep loud voice "Thank you, young servant of nature, your spark is great, I will assist you whenever you need it." so I was like "cool, can I take a picture of you" and it says sure

BiBoyB-tch: *picture of duck dragon*

Huntress: oh my god

LegallyBlonde: dope

PuppyEyes: That's cool but also scary

BiBoyB-tch: anyway we're chilling now and she says her name is Althea

Huntress: can you tell Althea she's beautiful 

BiBoyB-tch: yes 

BiBoyB-tch: she says thank you young Allison

Huntress: that's cool

Huntress: So what happens now?

BiBoyB-tch: well she says she can stay in the pond that's in the woods near my house and she won't ever die, at least for another 6000 years, so...

BiBoyB-tch: I have a dragon duck friend

ActualAlpha: You mean pet?

BiBoyB-tch: It feels wrong to say pet

BiBoyB-tch: Althea and me are besties now

QueenLydia: Wow, what happened to world domination with me?

BiBoyB-tch: hmmmmmmm

BiBoyB-tch: Althea can be our dragon helper

QueenLydia: Okay. I guess that works.

Huntress: How are you gonna... feed her?

BiBoyB-tch: she says staying in duck form allows her to eat better because she has a smaller stomach so I guess whateer ducks eat?

BiBoyB-tch: does this pond have fish? do ducks eat fish?

PuppyEyes: Stiles; has an IQ of 158 Stiles: what does a duck eat

BiBoyB-tch: shut up scarf boy

BiBoyB-tch: do you have a badass duck dragon

BiBoyB-tch: i dont think so


	3. Claudia Stilinski And Her Quirks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by a tumblr post. Don't @ me.

BiBoyB-tch: so I was just remembering stuff about my mom

BiBoyB-tch: and I'm just thinking...

BiBoyB-tch: how was it not obvious that she was a witch/spark/idk

BiBoyB-tch: because she could find like 20 four-leaf clovers in five minutes, kept bees for like six years and never got stung, walked through rivers and ponds without ever getting her feet cut by rocks, got lost in the woods when she was seven and slept out there, AND WAS PERFECTLY OKAY

BiBoyB-tch: and according to my grandma a WOLF

BiBoyB-tch: A FUCKING WOLF

BiBoyB-tch: WALKED UP TO HER on a camping trip when she was like five and away from the group and she's just like "big doggy" and the wOLF LEAVES HER ALONE 

BiBoyB-tch: in conclusion my mom was a badass magic woman

aLpHa: don't forget when she told us "boys we have a visitor" and we come downstairs and she's holding a two foot long black snake

Huntress: wishing, not for the first time, that I got to meet Claudia Stilinski

BiBoyB-tch: you guys wouldve loved her

BiBoyB-tch: She made bread from scratch and grew her own vegetables and taught me how to play piano and always told dad that if he was going to bring her flowers, to make sure they were in dirt and had all their roots

aLpHa: she babysat me a lot and brought my mom lunch

BiBoyB-tch: she also stood up for people who got judged a lot and from what I gathered, she was also bisexual and had a girlfriend for a long time

PuppyEyes: dude your mom sounds amazing

BiBoyB-tch: she was

ActualAlpha: I met Claudia once. She was the school guidance counsellor for a while

BiBoyB-tch: Really? I thought she was a botanist

CreepyUncle: She was both. I went to school with her.

BiBoyB-tch: No shit?

CreepyUncle: I was a senior and she was a sophomore. She had just transferred here and she was still struggling with English. Whatever words she did say had a strong accent. I'm fond of the memory where some seniors were making fun of her for it and she turns around and tells them to 'shut the fuck up you colonizers' with a very thick Polish accent.

BiBoyB-tch: HAHAHAHA

BiBoyB-tch: Oh my god I love her more

CreepyUncle: I also tutored her in English in exchange for Polish lessons. I was already mostly fluent in Russian so it was much easier for me than it must've been for her. 

BiBoyB-tch: were you friends?

CreepyUncle: she found out I was a werewolf and started making dog jokes every time I walked into a room. I retaliated by telling her magic smells strange but I didn't bring it up because I thought it was just her.

BiBoyB-tch: you were definitely friends.

BiBoyB-tch: Oh my god Derek my mom was friends with your uncle

ActualAlpha: was she the one who called my mom a bitch?

BiBoyB-tch: OOP

PuppyEyes: LMAOOOOO

LegallyBlonde: Yep, Claudia is awesome

CreepyUncle: To be fair, she was making a dog joke at first. Then she realized that Talia's personality tended to be 'I'm the Alpha' with a dash of snark, she meant it. Claudia and your mother did not get along.

CreepyUncle: Every time Talia spoke during a pack meeting that Claudia had to attend (she was our first emissary, Deaton replaced her because Talia got sick of her), Claudia would just repeat everything she said in a higher tone.

LegallyBlonde: an older female Stiles

CreepyUncle: Yes.

BiBoyB-tch: and ANOTHER story of my mom

BiBoyB-tch: One time we went to the beach, the OCEAN, and mom isn't even that far from the shore. Maybe twenty feet out. I'm building my sand empire and I hear my dad start to freak out

BiBoyB-tch: Because my MOM

BiBoyB-tch: HAS TWO SHARKS SWIMMING AROUND HER

LegallyBlonde: WTF

PuppyEyes: Holy crap

BiBoyB-tch: and the madwoman is LAUGHING and PETTING THEM

BiBoyB-tch: "Noah, honey, they just want some love" MOTHER THAT IS AN APEX PREDATOR

ActualAlpha: Stiles, sharks hardly attack people

BiBoyB-tch: Logically I know that and then I remember jaws and my little kid brain pops out

BiBoyB-tch: Jaws is grossly inaccurate by the way

BiBoyB-tch: still makes big water scary

Huntress: So Stiles gets a cool mom while I get a murderous bitch

aLpHa: Yes


End file.
